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I love my daughter but don’t really trust her – CASE STUDY
My 38 year old daughter is a long-time drug addict, a manipulator, and notably the mom of my 3 year old grandson. My grandson lives with my ex-husband but comes to me regularly for long weekends. My daughter comes here to be with her son under my watchful eye. She is still using and lying about it, and my grandson loves her dearly and needs to see her and be with her. I supervise the visits, though I am certain she would never do harm. Recently we believe she stole from us. My dilemma is not bringing more negative emotions into our environment. I am a kind person and don’t want to be otherwise. Yet her disease is impacting us.
It’s complex. She’s sick. It’s sad. I love my daughter but don’t really trust her. What is the most conscious way I can be around her and communicate with her?
Thank you so much for sharing such a big challenge.
Whenever children are involved it feels so much bigger and important. It’s tricky because your daughter is also your child. However, she is an adult and the focus really becomes your grandson. Is he at risk physically, mentally, or emotionally? If so, that must be the immediate priority. What I share below are options about how you can interact with your daughter differently once you know your grandson isn’t in any risk.
These thoughts come to me immediately:
Thanks to dictionary.com for the definition
You are helping to raise your grandson, that is kindness.
You are making it possible for your daughter to spend time with your grandson, that is kindness.
You are reaching out to Eloheim and me to find ways to improve your relationship with your daughter, that’s is kindness.
YOU ARE KIND
That doesn’t mean “anything goes” or “take what you want” or “treat me disrespectfully.”
They are not the same things.
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This meeting began with Eloheim focusing on how to integrate the thinking part of ourselves with the feeling part in order to be a whole, balanced person. They described how the Industrial and Technological Revolutions had suppressed our connections to nature, plants, animals, and the seasons and replaced that with scientific methods, which required the need to prove and reproduce results. We elevated thinking over wisdom and insight. Thanks to those revolutions of technology and industry, we have now gone beyond the survival mode and freed up our time, and so we are feeling the desire to get out of hamster wheel thinking and feel more. Thinking so much has not served us. At this point in our evolution, we are able and desiring to reconnect to the heart. We are asking the heart to join the conversation and to be a part of making decisions.
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I don’t understand my feelings – Case Study
It may be silly question, but how do I know what I feel? I sort of assume that what I feel is my feeling; why else I would feel it? I guess that most of the time I am lost in understanding what exactly I feel, have no idea how deep or shallow I should engage in it and what is important about it. My emphatic skills don’t make it any more simple.
This question really hits close to home. I spent decades completely overwhelmed by the feelings/emotions/energy of others. Some people call it empathic, psychic, or sensitive. Whatever you call it, I can experience the feelings of others and those feelings can mix with and override my awareness of my own truth. I never knew what to do about this, until Eloheim taught me.
As a pre-teen, writing in my journal, “When the lead person I’m around is confident, I feel confident.”
As a teen, going to the shopping mall (that was a cool thing to do back then!) and being totally overwhelmed and not knowing why.
As a teen, paying hide-and-go-seek in the dark in the auditorium at church and being so utterly terrified that I couldn’t bear it any longer. Long-standing thanks to the unknown parishioner who seeing my distress, gave us a $20 bill so we could go get ice cream instead of playing hide-and-go-seek. That felt like a TON of money to me at the time and it was a shock that she would just give it to us. I remember looking into her concerned and kind eyes as she said, “Hey kids, how about ice cream!?” Of course this worked perfectly. Once I was away from a room filled with scared kids, I began to feel more normal.
As a young adult, going to a concert. We were having a great time sitting in the front row of the balcony. However, I felt an overwhelming urge to throw myself over the railing. So much so that I had to wind my feet and hands around the seat legs to stop myself.
As an adult, setting boundaries with someone, feeling their upset about my boundary setting so strongly that I backed down to get their upset to go away so I wouldn’t have to feel it anymore.
I could go on and on and on…
Now for the constructive aspects:
Case Study – Procrastination
Eloheim and I respond to real world examples of places that feel stuck and confusing for folks. My hope is that this will allow you to see how Eloheim’s teachings can work in your life!
You asked me 8 days ago to provide a brief blurb for a case study. Honored, in fact thrilled to have that invitation for greater connection, I agreed, and said I would send that to you by about a week ago.
I have been meaning to get to it every day. Of course I’m busy…in fact, in a way, that’s part of the issue I want to address, right? I know I could have chosen time to complete it regardless, but instead I just toyed mentally with different approaches to the paragraph, and procrastinated. Then got into one of those little vortices of resistance, feeling badly that I was not following through as promised, thinking about e-mailing to let you know, then: “Well if I’m going to do that, I might as well just hammer out that little paragraph first,” yet feeling like I wanted a relaxed, focused space to do that, which didn’t seem to be showing up.
Sorry not to have kept my word– not that you’re likely to mind terribly, but I do! And I will get to that few sentences, um… any day now!
Thanks so much for so generously sharing so much stellar material.
🙂 I think I should use just what you wrote here! It’s perfect.
It reminds me of way back when I had a business helping small business owners organize their offices. One of the most common comments was, “I will call you as soon as I clean up!” I said, “It’s better if I see it just as it is now so I can really see what’s going on!”
Really? Wow, then I feel let off the hook! Almost too easy.
I share the entire email exchange because it really shows the challenge
Needing to have it be “just right” (that perfectionism thing!) Being mean to self
and perhaps the biggest challenge:
Not really knowing what the actual problem is