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In this post, John refers to the exchange he had with Eloheim at the recent retreat.

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Here are some highlights. Follow the link above to read the entire post and his follow up posts.

When I agreed with Eloheim that I would be totally open and be with myself for 1 minute a day I had no idea what I was really agreeing to. I would suggest that you be really clear with yourself before agreeing to anything with that guy because he will take you for a ride, just saying.

If you can bring the feelings together of say the gentleness required to lure a shy and frightened puppy out from behind a chair and the terror of stepping out from behind a wall and just standing there expecting any moment to be killed, that is pretty much what I was experiencing during that exchange. See, what they were really asking me, and I didn’t realize it at the time, was to step into uncertainty. Not a little bit but all the way, maybe for only one minute a day but still all the way. I don’t know if anyone heard me but I ended up with an “aw shit” because it was one of those “Wait, what, what just happened?” moments and I could feel that somehow, without really knowing where or how, I had just really stepped into the shit.

Oh, sure I was happy, or at least willing, to be uncertain about something additional showing up as long as I was also able to have, be certain, about getting specificiallyish what I wanted. But to be truly uncertain about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING going on around you and not just for a moment but in every moment and to want to be there, to actually WANT to NOT BE CERTAIN about anything was something I just wasn’t ready to bring myself to believe…but then I gave myself the gift of one minute a day and now I have a whole lot to say about uncertainty.

I made that agreement early on in the retreat and could feel things releasing and moving all over but while it felt pretty good there wasn’t any real ah ha, I was just kind of stumbling around going through the events and, to be honest, I was feeling a little disappointed with myself, feeling like I must have been resisting to much and not letting it through. So standing there in “smokers corner” I lit one up and gazed over the garden and suddenly I was back in all the feelings of that agreement and tears started to flow and in not a little bit of frustration mourned my acceptance at that moment that I didn’t fucking know anything and that everything in this fucking god damn life of mine was just this fucking uncertainty crap. After a moment I wiped my face, took a couple breaths, and as I was just kind of standing there looking around I happened to look up. I was stunned, no thoughts, no frustration, no certainty, no judgements, just the sky. It was, well, beautiful, perfect, stunning, awe inspiring, and yet still just the sky. It was a clear night to be sure but that wasn’t it, it was the clarity of how I was seeing it and that is the moment that I finally started to get it.

I can never be totally certain because out there, or in there, somewhere is something that I don’t know yet the knowing of which will change everything. The only way to be certain of anything is if you can be absolutely sure there isn’t any more to know and even then you are stuck with how do you really know you just haven’t seen it yet. So the idea of certainty, as E has explained exhaustively, is complete and total bunk. It is a complete and straight out lie I am telling myself to make myself feel better, Period.

each and every thing you interact with is, in truth, an eternal and infinite aspect of an infinite existence and so no matter what you look at, no matter how much is known about it, there will ALWAYS be more, ALWAYS. So it is ONLY when you look at everything through the eyes of uncertainty that you are seeing things through the eyes of truth because it is only then you are recognizing the truth of what you are looking at. The moment you have certainty about anything you can be assured you are looking through a distorted lens and I am not sure that anything causes more distortion than judgement.

When certainty no longer seems or feels real to you, because you are starting to experience the actual reality of uncertainty, then you will watch, in some amazement I imagine, as all these life long judgements against others and, more importantly, yourself just vanish like smoke because you just learned the thing that changes everything for you.

So to wrap this up I will simply say this. Anyone who knows me or has followed along through the Q&A’s or my posts understand that I have been ferociously focused on an outcome from basically birth. I very, very, VERY reluctantly promised Eloheim that I would spend one minute a day being with myself in uncertainty and while I am far from spending all my time there at this point I can say that my desire is very quickly shifting to not wanting to spend one minute of it. This is me saying to all of you, on public record, that I want to be, I prefer to be, I love to be in total and complete uncertainty.

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