Eloheim and I are going to respond to real world examples of places that feel stuck and confusing for folks. My hope is that this will allow you to see how Eloheim’s work would work in your life!
My former husband has asked to borrow money from me and I have said NO 3 times. I have been divorced for two years. I know of no means of him paying me back anytime soon.
I feel guilt and it feels like shame as well.
He says I’m coming from lack by saying No and that brings up the guilt.
I feel it’s a smart decision to not open a door I have closed and have finally moved forward.
Thanks for sharing!
My first response is that it takes quite a lot of gall for him to accuse YOU being in lack while asking you for a loan! I mean, you have ABUNDANCE enough for him to imagine you are a good source of funds.
Two Eloheim teachings come to mind right away:
This one you are already mostly doing. YEAH!!
“No” is a Complete Sentence / Say “No” First
This tool allows you to set a boundary or state a preference without feeling the need to justify or make excuses for your position. You are not responsible for others’ reactions to your choices. Stating a preference is an act of free will.
A fascinating way to learn about boundaries, preferences, and “What is true now?” is to say “no” first. Just give it a try! Someone calls you up and asks you to go out. Say “no” first.
If you are habitually saying “yes” to keep other people happy, try saying “no” and seeing how it makes you feel. The result we have seen is that being able to just say “no” is incredibly liberating. Importantly, it gives you the time to actually find out how you feel. When you say “no” first, you can then consider your feelings on the matter without the pressure of having the question hanging over your head.
If you decide that you actually do want to participate—–because YOU want to, not just to make another person happy—you can always call back and say you changed your mind.
“No, period” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to explain. There is no need for a lie, an excuse, or even other plans. If you are asked, “Why?” you can say, “It’s just not right for me.”
If they don’t respect that, well, that is something very good to know about them, isn’t it?
Seems to me that you already know you don’t want to act from service mentality.
Service Mentality From the introduction to our book The Choice for Consciousness, Vol. 2
Service mentality is the mistaken idea that you should put another’s journey before yours; believing your needs are secondary to others’ needs; the idea that “doing good in the world” comes before caring for yourself.
The most powerful way you can be in the world is by loving yourself well and then walking your life from the place of loving yourself well. When you love yourself well, you give the greatest gift you have to give, and that’s your uniqueness emanating. Until you love yourself well, you’re not really giving a gift. You’re simply doing. You’re doing and doing and doing in the world. But there’s no flavor. There’s no taste.
Healthy service is asking, “How can I emanate the highest possible vibration?”
If you choose to offer yourself in service, the first step is to ask your soul for insight, “What is it that best serves me in serving others, in offering myself to others? What serves me first, where will I grow the most?” You want to be in the most conscious frame of mind possible in order to interact at the highest vibrational level possible. Your emanation is your true gift.
Through the act of loving yourself, you give the gift of the truth of you to this world. There is no truth of you until it includes loving yourself. It doesn’t exist. “Empty calories” is a way to say it.
We see folks putting themselves out there in the world saying, “I want everyone to feel better, to feel happier, to have more, to be in a good space.” The idea is that taking care of everyone else first is going to be the path to your own bliss, your own peace, your own joy. We have not seen this work well long-term.
People who live to serve others appear energetically drained because their own needs have not been precious to them. They’re missing the core amount of attention, of rest, of nourishment, of peace, of quiet, of meditation, of walking, or dancing, whatever it is that feeds them as a person and keeps them whole. Folks in service mentality have been letting pieces of those things go to other people because they think, “Well, if they’re happy I’ll be happy or if they’re happy at least I won’t be so distracted by their needs.”
The path out of this is to set boundaries. Boundaries don’t mean: “I don’t love you anymore.” Boundaries mean: “I have to love myself first so I have extra love to give. I can’t give from this place. I have to give from a whole place.” If you keep giving from weakness, eventually you will have nothing left. If you set boundaries, you will rejuvenate yourself.
Unhealthy service mentality can be highly triggered when there are large “disasters.” You see something on the news and you think, “Oh my God, those people, they don’t have any place to live.” You look in your checkbook and you send off whatever you can send off and you think, “I wish I could do more.” If you feel that your money, time, or skills are the only way to “serve,” then you will often be frustrated. Remember, healthy service is asking, “How can I emanate the highest possible vibration?”
Investing in your energetic and raising your vibration is really the way you meet your desire to help the world. The key here is that you realize that as you raise your vibration and live more consciously, your awareness of others’ needs will expand yet your ability to physically interact with their needs will not. Use your free will to decide where you want to physically interact with others. How you manage your reaction to the areas where you are aware of the needs of others, yet cannot physically interact with them, is a spiritual challenge best handled by becoming more conscious which raises your vibration and increases your emanation.
It may be tempting to be so overwhelmed by the many “problems” in the world that you do nothing, including not work on yourself. We remind you, emanating your truth into the world is powerfully transformative. That’s the greatest gift you can give to yourself and to the world.
I feel you actually have clarity about how you want to handle this situation. The residual guilt seems to be habitual response to acting on your clarity.
This Emotion is a Choice
One of the best ways to practice this tool is when you’re watching TV or a movie—one of those things that are very, very carefully designed to elicit a certain emotion in you. Be very aware of the fact that you’re being manipulated. Recognize that the emotion you’re having is an emotion that has many layers to it. One layer is manipulated creation and another layer is habit and another layer is authentic empathy with the person or situation.
Let yourself have the emotion, but know why you’re having it. If all of a sudden you feel sad or upset and you don’t know why you’re feeling that way, then ask yourself, “Is there any good reason to be having this emotion? And if there isn’t, then what can I ascertain about the state I’m in? This emotion has no basis in the reality of this moment.”
Your society places a lot of credence in “dealing with your emotions,” without any real investigation of what you’re feeling or why, or that you have any choice in the matter. This is where our example of the math problem comes in. What if we say, “What’s 9,897,209.5 times 8,239,203?” You wouldn’t take the first number that comes to mind as the right answer. Yet you’ll take the first emotion that comes in as an indisputably correct position. If you find yourself in an emotion that doesn’t seem actually relevant to the moment, be kind to yourself about it. Just remind yourself, “Oh yeah, that’s right, the first emotion that trips along isn’t necessarily the one I want to run with.”
If you feel you need more support on the subject, we did an entire talk on Guilt and Shame. Click here for details.
It really seems to me that you have a LOT of clarity and now you just need to hold firm in that clarity.
Who Answers the Door?
A practical example:
The ex-boyfriend is banging on the front door. You go to answer it, but you don’t want to talk to him. Ask yourself, “Who answers the door?”
Does the four-year-old who’s looking for her daddy’s approval answer the door? Does the 20-year-old who just wants a boyfriend because she doesn’t want to be alone answer the door? Does the 40-year-old who doesn’t want to be divorced answer the door? Or does the you of the now, that knows that guy shouldn’t be in your life, answer the door? Who answers the door? You decide that.
This tool is empowering because you say, “OK, I’m not bringing the 4-, 20-, or 40-year-old into this. The current version of me knows that I no longer want this guy in my life. The current version of me can say, ‘No’.” The four-year-old probably wouldn’t be able to say no because the four-year-old’s still looking for daddy to make it right. The 20-year-old still feels like she did something wrong, so she’s going to have a hard time saying no. The 40-year-old’s feeling like he might be her last chance at love, so she’s not turning him away.
But in the moment where you bring your high-vibrational self together and you look at that person and you say, “In this moment, with who I am right now, this situation is not OK, and you need to leave. Off you go. The door’s getting locked behind you.” And then you turn the ringer off on the phone and you just sit with the fact that you actually made a decision based on who you are today. That’s where you give yourself the gift of being who you are today and living your life from who you are today, rather than allowing old baggage from the past or projecting into the future.
Using this tool with family members:
A lot of times, when you’re working with biological relatives, the stuff that you’re learning about is the stuff from when you were five. However, now you’re 40 and you’re still doing your five-year-old stuff, often from a five-year-old’s perspective. Work on the issue when you’re 40 as a forty-year-old, rather than, “I’m 40 but I’m acting like I’m five, which I’ve been doing for 35 years with my mom.” This gives you a better chance of success, or a different chance of success—of actually learning and growing and becoming more of who you are.
Yes, you can say, “There’s something for me to learn here, but my God, me as a 40-year-old trying to act like an eight-year-old with my mom who is now 70, is not working.” It’s not working and you have the right to say, “I want to learn this some other way.”
This is loving yourself, giving yourself permission to set boundaries across your life. Set the boundaries you need to set in order to give yourself the best chance at learning what it is you desire to learn.
Use the current version of you to stand firm in your clarity!
Thanks again for sharing your story.
All of the tools in this case study are included in the books listed below.
Tools for Transformation
Eloheim is best known for their dozens of easy-to-apply tools that offer life-changing support for personal transformation.
The Choice for Consciousness: Tools for Consciousness Living series offers step-by-step tools to show you how to break unhealthy habits and discard victim mentality so that you can fully embrace the truth of the statement, “I CREATE MY REALITY!”
Volume one of the series contains 22 tools which help you recognize where you are experiencing victim hood. With that awareness, you can begin to live as a creator.
Volume two’s 16 tools help you to live as a creator of your life by illuminating your relationship to the moment. This will empower you to create the life you have always dreamed of.
Volume three includes 15 tools to help you learn to fully take responsibility for your reactions to your creations thus living the life of a creator. The tools fall into four categories: • Readiness for change • Managing your energy • Seeing things a new way • New relationship to money
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